in the quiet

in the quiet

i hear me

the old

and the becoming

reminding

this

is the life

the one i

wished for

hoped for

prayed for

in the quiet

i am grateful

of handsful

of blessings

of goodness

of love

and

peace

in the quiet

of

this life

right now

i am finding

purpose

contentment

joy

in the quiet

i still seek

the me

that i hope to be

Change is needed

I've been in a slump, a funk, an idon'twannadonothin' but somethinghastochangeandsoonPLEASE

of late and I know that I am the one who has to make the change, that I have to start doing SOMETHING and this don'twannadonothin' attitude has to go...byebye out the window pleaseandthankyou.

Nothing is better to me than being a Mama to my Lil PeaPie....but I miss the accomplishments at the end of a work day/week. Feeling like I have made a difference...no matter how small....and stop before you think....You're a Mama, you make a difference.....I do know that...BUT....I need something more.

Better organized at home keeping, creative projects to keep me excited, a bible study to attend to keep me accountable to read, study and pray, a regular work out schedule to improve and keep my body healthy, new music to refresh my mind, spirit and heart....I guess I could go on and on....BUT the main thing is that I need a kick to get me going...So I am kicking and hoping and praying that I can effectively change...myself...from the inside out. Wake up with a determination to not let my days justgobysofastthatIhaven'tacluewherethetimeisgoing.

I don't want to look at my 36th year of life like I have looked at the past couple of years and not see improvements of self, see goals left sitting there, dreams still hanging out on the shelf collecting dust.

I'm going to do it, I will, I will, iwilliwilliwilliwilliwill...and you can look forward to seeing change in me, my blog and hopefully my whole life.

In the Details

If anything, having my Lil' PeaPie has taught me that life is about the journey...and the details that surround us...and the destination. We start off the day with talks of heading out to the playground. Everything thing we do...dry bummies, eggs and saushage, unload the dishwasher, load the dishwasher, sort the laundry, start the laundry, read some books, play animals, dry bummies, play animals, fold the laundry, SNACK, socks and shoes....leads us up to the destination of the morning...the playground.
We start out the door, Elliot, leash, Poo bags, keys, cell phone, careful, vewy careful, "by self...by self" he says, as we take a good 5 minutes to go down a short set of stairs..."leaves, baby rocks, throw....by self, by self". I have to stop and not rush, not get annoyed that we are not headed down the sidewalk yet...and enjoy that he sees the details that surround him....and stop and look and see those details for myself.
When we make it to the sidewalk I let him choose.....he always chooses....round the block the long way...leash in hand...more Elliot walking him than him Elliot. Of course Elliot stops...to smell and smell the details....and Ren picks up more leaves...and more baby rocks and I have a nice handful of his treasures.
Time to cross the street..."hold hands Ren...we always hold hands when we cross the street"..."let go, let go"...he insists...but I keep a firm hold..."no, Ren, we ALWAYS hold hands when we cross the street, that is the rule". As soon as we reach the sidewalk on the other side he is tugging and ready...not to keep walking but to stop and pick up more baby rocks and leaves...
"I spy with my Mama eye... the swings and a slide"...I encourage..."come on Ren...lets go...playground remember?" And then he sees the bright red slides, and the yellow steps and the swings...and he stops and looks at ants...and I wonder if we are ever going to get there...and then
I
realize
we
are
there.

This whole time
...the whole journey
...we were there
....are there.
The details of our journey and the destination...both are what it is all about. The details of the day...moment by moment....I don't want to rush through my life not seeing...not smelling, not tasting (thank goodness there is no tasting on the way to the playground), not touching, not feeling, not experiencing.
Because that is where we grow and learn and change and are stretched...
In The Details.

(all photos were taken while Apple picking Sept 2010)

Struck so

I found myself in an interesting place today...a place that I thought that I had traveled and navigated enough that I would not visit it again.

My Red Tent time has come and
I am saddened...I hoped and prayed and pleaded
One would think after all this time
of
Five
Years
of
Unexplained
Infertility

and

then

the Joyous Birth and Life of my Little Ren

that I would not be struck with sadness so.
At least
I did not anticipate this overwhelming feeling
of loss.

I'm almost not sure how to take it...but I will get on this little sad boat and let the wind blow me as it may...because if there is one thing that I have learned in my life is that you have to let things take their course...and you have to recognize the root and heart of yourself...and you have to accept it....and then you keep going....hoping, praying and pleading.

Good Food

You know I LOVE good food...and this dinner I made last night was SO GOOD....too good to not pass along...
Chicken Sausage, Tomato and Feta with Pasta
So I made this dinner tonight...It was SOOO GOOD!!!
Recipe by: Nili

The grocery store had chicken sausage with spinach and feta...so I picked that up. You could probably use a regular chicken or turkey sausage with this too.
I made this for 4 adults

Linguine pasta (how ever much you need for you family)
8 small tomatoes ( I would get the vine/organic ones for best flavor) chopped...you will need all the tomato juice too.
1 lrg clove of garlic chopped
1 TBSP of good olive oil
1/2 cup (of more if you like) of crumbled Feta Cheese (mine was a tomato basil feta)
package (mine had 5) of chicken sausage

I also oven roasted asparagus (4 spears per adult).
Put water on to boil for the pasta...make sure you salt it.
Pour the olive oil in a skillet pan over med heat cook the sausage.
After the sausage is done remove from the pan or just pull to one side of the pan.
Add the chopped garlic and allow to cook for a minute or two.
Add the chopped tomatoes and all the tomato juice and a little salt.
Deglaze the pan with the tomato mixture.

Drain the pasta and put in a large serving bowl...pour the tomatoes and all the sauce from the pan on top of the pasta.
Add the crumbled feta cheese and toss.

Serve with sausage, and asparagus along with hot crusty bread and a glass of wine...
Enjoy!!!

Eighteen....

My dear sweet Lil PeaPie is 18 months.....I.Can.Hardly.Believe.It.

This is Ren last year....9 months old.....and this...this is Ren this year....

All Big.Boy.Eighteen.Months.Big.....I don't need the strollie thank you very much Mama, I can walk the whole zoo by myself....Big. So Big....

that Ren can now milk the fake cow at the zoo, BIG.

Ren is busy....waking way to early for this Mama and ready to go as soon as his feet hit the floor. He loves his cuppa-cup of mulk or wawa, apples, cheese, grapes, spaghetti, ham, saushage, eggs, toast, PB&J and ice....and what ever Mama is eating too. And he can feed himself too....a bit lands on the floor and a bit on his shirt and a bit in his mouth....he's getting the hang of the fork and spoon though...bit by bit.

Animal books are the tops for my PeaPie and the Giraffe seems to take the cake. and then lions, elephants, hippos, dogs, cats and...and........we have a Book of 100 Animals and he knows about 80 of them. Noah's Ark books are read and re-read...the animals are pointed out and Ren makes their noise...his cuter than cute version of their sound.

Ren is asking please...and help...and is learning my big family....my seven sisters and who goes with them. His I-een (Aunt Irene), DayDay (Uncle David), Emlee (Cousin Emily) and Dan-L (Cousin Daniel) are his family... He even knows how to yell for them when dinner is ready... I know my Ren will be sad when we move next week. And I know that I will be sad too....and I know that I have my work cut out for me to keep him busy and play with him like my wonderful niece and nephew do. Not to mention the time, love and attention my sister pays to him. Going from a busy house of 6 to a quieter one of 3 is going to be a big change. But I also know that settling into our life...our home...with our beloved DaDa is going to be wonderful and long awaited.

Big.....So Big.....and getting Bigger every day...these past eighteen months have flown by and my Lil PeaPie is now more closer to TWO than ONE.

Peace in Chaos

I LOVE carrying my lil PeaPie....I love wearing him. This photo was taken on Saturday. We were at my sister's house at a family reunion....ALL of my family was there....except my Man....I have 7 sisters and their men and our 16 kiddos plus my mom and dad....ALL of us and it was busy and loud and a lot was going on. So much that my PeaPie would not lay down for naps. I tried everything...nothing seemed to be working. So out came my Ergo and in Ren went. He drank a little milk, had a couple bites of snack and then I walked to a quieter corner of my sister's kitchen and swayed and rocked my lil Ren to sleep. I didn't want to walk out of the noise and happy chaos that was happening all around us...I didn't want him to wake if I walked from a quiet room to a loud one. ...He slept there against my heart for a hour or so....and I loved every moment of it. Ren is 17 months and a week now....and I don't get a chance to wear him very often or for very long...as he is always on the go....he's my busy busy bee....I am so grateful that I had my Ergo in the back of my car...that Ren was able to nap....and that I was able to quiet my heart and find peace in a happy chaotic day.

Do/Did you wear your babies...if so what is one of your favorite babywearing memories?