Thoughts

I have not written in so long
because
Sometimes it is easier to
not write
not speak of
my stress
my fears
my loneliness.

The Man is still gone

away

an ocean and more apart
and it hurts my heart
to have him so far from me.

We spoke today
on video chat (I am so grateful)
and he looked so sad
and stressed
and worn.

He needs me
to sit down and have a chat
while he rests in my arms.

I need him
to sit down and have a chat
while I rest in his arms.

I need to make him a meal
full of love and goodness
a meal that only I can cook.

Somehow cooking
helps heal my heart
and his eating of my love
heals his.

To say my heart it now
bears a heavier burden
would be truth.
But I cannot sit and tell
and pour it out...
If I could
I would
but I cannot.

My Life...Our Kid Names

Kelly at Kelly's Korner hosts Show us your life on Friday's and today's theme is your kids or (future kids) names.
When the Man and I met, we knew we wanted a family....when we married we wanted to wait for at least one year before we had little ones...you know so we would have time to get to know each other and settle in our marriage. Little did we know that it would take 6 years of trying after that 1st year of not trying to have our very own little one. Since we had all that time...we talked about names and we talked some more and we talked some more....and you think with all that talking we would have settled in on a name or two.
Well, when we found out we were in fact expecting a little miracle...the name talk started all over again. The Man is the 3rd and he wanted to name our son the 4th...and I did not really want to. Mainly because all the variations of the Man's first and middle names have been used in his family and they are very traditional names and I am not such a traditional name girl. So we talked and talked and went round and round....and decided to name our son the 4th....but call him something else. Which sparked a whole new conversation....I didn't want to just call our son any name and I wanted it to have meaning or significance to us...to our families. And Reynold is my paternal grandfathers name...we called him Granpa Ren...and I love him and miss him dearly. So, I asked the Man what he thought about Ren....and he liked it...and so Ren it is. Ren's legal name is the 4th and his given name is Ren.
If we have a little girl in the future...we had decided on a name but I keep changing my mind about the first name. Her middle name will be Noelle after my father (his name is Noel). We had decided on Alexandria for the first name and we would call her Alexa but I don't know. I LOVE Audrey....but the Man he's not so sure and if we were to have another little boy....well lots and lots of nights and days will be dedicated to play the name game all over again.

Embracing Rest

Putting Ren down for naps is a lesson in patience, persistence and grace. He fights going to sleep almost.every.single.time. As I am holding him, singing over him, willing him to lay his head on his Mama and sleep...he fights it. Bends and twists, asks for a cup, tries to climb over my shoulder and cries and cries. So, I keep singing, keep holding, keep willing him to lay his head and he eventually does. And when he does stop, he stops fighting all together...not even a whimper....and he relaxes his little body on mine and he closes his eyes and embraces the rest that I am offering him....and today as he laid in my arms, concentrating on keeping his little eyes closed....he smiled...and then smiled again.... and then slept. And my lil Mama heart leaped for joy! Joy that he is resting, that he is trusting...that he loves me and that I love him.

In this time of a hushed room, a time set aside so my little one can rest...God spoke to my heart. And He showed me a picture of myself and my relationship with Him. And this scripture ran through my mind again and again...“Come unto Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).

And there I am sitting in my Heavenly Father's lap....crying and squirming, trying to escape, asking for something different...anything to not rest. And my Father waits and persists and sings and holds and desires for me to find rest in Him. Because He loves me so...and because I love Him.

Isn't is amazing that HE...the Creator of the universe can love us so....can speak to our hearts? I am embracing rest...His rest...rest for my weary soul.

7 Quickies

1. Approx 147 days till the Man comes home.

2. Home is truly where your heart is...right now my heart is in Afghanistan as well as right here in SC. When the Man returns home (to me) my heart will be moved to Louisiana...yes it is official....at least I think it is.

3. Ren is now 13 months old....here are his words:
Mama
Dada or DA
Papa
Dan (his cousin)
Ellie (my pup Elliot..this was Ren's FIRST word at 9 months)
Emi (for Emily, another cousin)
Cup (for drink)
Madison ( I know right...for real!)
Snack
Cheese
Milk
Go-Go (for outside)
No
Yep
Light
Up
Down
yum
Abby (another cousin)
Dog
Ball
Block
When Ren woke the other morning I was going to put him in bed with me and nurse...he sat up and said No, Cup. No nursies for Ren that morning...he wanted a cup. He is putting words together and objects with what they belong to....Elliot's collar was on the floor, Ren picked it up and said "Ellie" holding it out to me. I'm sure there are more words...he is really picking stuff up fast...he said flower and seed the other day while outside playing in the grass.

4. If you are ever looking for an incredible cause to get involved in that is making an incredible difference in the lives of some wonderful, beautiful children...you should go here www.aidchild.org and get involved.

5. I finished the 1st of three quilts that I was inspired to make after seeing Dana's quilt give away back in '08. I followed her "How to make a quilt" tutorial. This first one is a baby floor quilt approx 52 x 31 inches.
It is a gift for a friend and her new baby girl...due in June!

6. This week, April 24th through May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week. I am posting my story tomorrow.

7. I've been thinking a bit on Micah 6:8
He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God?

Part of 7 Quick Takes

My Life....How The Man and I Met

Kelly over at Kelly's Korner hosts Show Us Your Life on Fridays. I so enjoy reading Kelly's blog, watching her little beautiful Harper grow, being encouraged through her writing and her walk with Christ are just a couple of reasons why I read her blog.....so if you have never checked her out...you should!

So, the theme for Show Us Your Life Friday is: How you met your husband.
The Man and I met online. We had both been married and then walked through divorces before we met. I had been single for about 5 years before I met him and he about 2. He sent me a message through the website (ChristianC@fe.com) we met on and we started talking through email. A couple weeks later he sent me his telephone number and after I had waited for a week and a couple days (you know a good time to make him wonder if I was going to call or not...ha) I called him. We talked and talked and talked some more. After many many phone conversations he asked what my plans were for New Years Eve...big one for a single girl...or at least this girl....I told him I had several options in the works and he asked if I would like to meet him for dinner. Now he lived in another state about 4 hours from my home.....I said I would think about it...and a couple days later told him yes and well the rest is history...We got engaged 3 weeks after we met in person and 3 weeks after that we had said our I Do's and were on our Loveymoon. Very fast...yes I know...and we have been on this adventure together, loving each other and living in our own little paradises all over the globe for 7 years now!

Meeting online can be a little crazy sometimes though...you never know if the person you are emailing, IMing, chatting on the phone with or texting is the person they say they are or they are lying....until you meet them in person. I had a plan and had several friends and family members that knew where I was and what our plans were as the night progressed. The thing that attracted me to my man is that everything that he wrote and said about himself were honest and true things. He did not present himself to me (online or otherwise) in a dishonest way. So, when we did meet in person and chatted that night and the next day away....he was true...everything he said about himself was true....and I double checked too....and it is still true....and I love him....I do...I do!

Ed and I at Ephesus April 2006

One of my favs of the two of us Christmas 2007

Weaning, Growing, and Dealing

So...we (the man, Ren and I) are about 1/2 way through his being gone. This is counting the training and deployment...so YaY! I was thinking the other day about how I deal with the man being gone for so long....and I came to the conclusion that I "just do". Not a very clear answer I know....I knew when we married that he would deploy and he has 4 times now...so this is not new to me. Although not living in my own home, staying with family and having Ren are all new things this go round. I am so grateful that my sister and her family were willing to open their home to Ren and I...and our two pups Elliot and Austin. We are a lot of extra to add to a busy home. I love that Ren gets to play with his cousins and spends time with his aunties and uncles. I know he will not remember our time here...but I will. So back to the deployment stuff....I know and accept the fact that the man is deployed and there is nothing I can do to change that...so I choose to enjoy myself, stay busy and not watch the news while he is away. I made the mistake of watching the news his first deployment....I was stressed all the time, didn't sleep well and worried over something I have no control over...so that is something that I do not do. I am working on the quilt (something I do have control over)....I have all my strips sewn in sets of six.....now the cutting down to block size and then the magic of piecing the blocks together.....I can't wait to see how it all turns out.

Ren is growing like a little weed. I can't believe that his is already ONE! We started weaning....Oh I stressed about this...I knew that I was finished ( I intended on nursing Ren to at least one year but no longer than 18 months)...that I did not want to nurse anymore about 2 weeks ago. So...I stopped all day time nursies....including the nap ones. That was not fun....Ren cried and cried at nap time....but then the other day it was like magic was in the air. I took him to the bedroom, told him it was nap time and started to lay him in his crib...he started crying and reached his hand out for my bed....so I laid him down on my bed and he settled down on his tummy with his lil hands tucked underneath him and started talking himself down to sleep. I patted his little back and sang him our night-night songs...in under TEN minutes he was asleep...no crying, no fussing, no nursies....and he slept for a little over one hour...which is pretty phenomenal for him. And then last night and tonight when I carried him into the room...all ready for bed....he settled on my shoulder, tucked his lil hands between him and I....no twisting his body for nursies, pinching me....or crying...I sang him our songs and prayed over him....and put him in his bed....Ren cried for 2 to 4 minutes and then asleep.....sweet baby....although not a baby anymore. I still nurse him in the morning when I put him in bed with me sometime after 5 am....but I have a feeling that he will not nurse at all for very much longer. Bittersweet....I am going to miss our time together.....we started nursing as soon as he was born....right after they wrapped him in his lil blanket. There is nothing I can compare this past year too....nothing I have ever done in my life comes close to the wonder-filled moments of being a Mama.

9 Days and Missing

To go....till my lil pea-pie is ONE!!!! I can't believe it....well I can....this year has sped by with lightning fastness and I have been enjoying every.single.moment. every.single.day....all of them. The early birthday party went off with out a hitch, we enjoyed a lovely week with the man and are now settling down for the long haul....the days, weeks and months till September arrives and the man returns to the ones he loves that love him.

The drive home after dropping him off at the airport was a bit teary.....Ren asked for Da a lot and I talked through teary eyes that Da had to go bye-bye and he loves us and would be home before we know it. So, I am adjusting, shifting...in my head mostly (does that even make sense?)....Always the nagging in the back that something could happen to the man....that the kisses I gave him at the airport as he shouldered an impossibly heavy bag...could be the last....and I know to shush the nagging to pay it no mind....my man will be fine...he will return home strong and full of missing us. So, I push it away and I don't think about it...
but I do leave his favorite boots at the doorway to our room....sure to see them when we enter and leave...a silent reminder of love and prayers....of missing the one we love.