Friday, June 22, 2012

the leaving

It's not that I wonder....How did I get here, arrive at this life...a military wife, stay at home mama, a new baby brother on the way, gymnastics class, swim lessons, play dates, dinner, laundry, sweep, vacuum, clean....I know how it happened, I remember the fine details of deciding to live my life, choosing Ed and his life as my own.  It's still hard though...the tearing away from my sisters. We traveled home last month for my baby girl's (niece's) high school graduation....she's the one who is of my heart but did not grow in my belly, my sister always said that she had my girl and now my girl is grown..... and seeing all of them and their little loves, spending precious time and then packing the car and returning is hard...and it never gets easier.  I remember the first leaving, right after we married.  After a honeymoon time in the mountains we headed to TX so I could meet my Ed's parents...we were in Mississippi some where and it hit me like a brick.  And I starting crying...grateful for sunglasses and distractions so my new husband would not see my face full of tears....and then those silent tears turned into sobs and I could not contain my sorrow.  My Ed turned to me, full of concern and worry...what is wrong he asked...It's just that I will never see my sister's for their birthday, or attend my nephew's T-ball game or just pop in for dinner at one of their homes....or see my Mom and Dad on a regular basis, or be there in the hospital waiting room to welcome a new little love into the family....I will miss all of that and it's going to be hard.  Nine years and a couple months's still hard, harder even because now I have little loves and there is no waiting room full of sisters to welcome my babies, no aunties at their games or meeting me at the playground, or popping into my home for dinner or lunch or crafting.  As a military wife I have learned to push back that sorrow and embrace friends as sisters but it is still not the same.  The leaving of my sisters, the tight hugs... that in a way are sorrow filled and say more than we are able because emotions run too catches me off guard some days and my heart it fills and overflows and if I could pack up my babies and drive the long long day to one of their homes I a heartbeat.