Struck so

I found myself in an interesting place today...a place that I thought that I had traveled and navigated enough that I would not visit it again.

My Red Tent time has come and
I am saddened...I hoped and prayed and pleaded
One would think after all this time
of
Five
Years
of
Unexplained
Infertility

and

then

the Joyous Birth and Life of my Little Ren

that I would not be struck with sadness so.
At least
I did not anticipate this overwhelming feeling
of loss.

I'm almost not sure how to take it...but I will get on this little sad boat and let the wind blow me as it may...because if there is one thing that I have learned in my life is that you have to let things take their course...and you have to recognize the root and heart of yourself...and you have to accept it....and then you keep going....hoping, praying and pleading.

Good Food

You know I LOVE good food...and this dinner I made last night was SO GOOD....too good to not pass along...
Chicken Sausage, Tomato and Feta with Pasta
So I made this dinner tonight...It was SOOO GOOD!!!
Recipe by: Nili

The grocery store had chicken sausage with spinach and feta...so I picked that up. You could probably use a regular chicken or turkey sausage with this too.
I made this for 4 adults

Linguine pasta (how ever much you need for you family)
8 small tomatoes ( I would get the vine/organic ones for best flavor) chopped...you will need all the tomato juice too.
1 lrg clove of garlic chopped
1 TBSP of good olive oil
1/2 cup (of more if you like) of crumbled Feta Cheese (mine was a tomato basil feta)
package (mine had 5) of chicken sausage

I also oven roasted asparagus (4 spears per adult).
Put water on to boil for the pasta...make sure you salt it.
Pour the olive oil in a skillet pan over med heat cook the sausage.
After the sausage is done remove from the pan or just pull to one side of the pan.
Add the chopped garlic and allow to cook for a minute or two.
Add the chopped tomatoes and all the tomato juice and a little salt.
Deglaze the pan with the tomato mixture.

Drain the pasta and put in a large serving bowl...pour the tomatoes and all the sauce from the pan on top of the pasta.
Add the crumbled feta cheese and toss.

Serve with sausage, and asparagus along with hot crusty bread and a glass of wine...
Enjoy!!!

Eighteen....

My dear sweet Lil PeaPie is 18 months.....I.Can.Hardly.Believe.It.

This is Ren last year....9 months old.....and this...this is Ren this year....

All Big.Boy.Eighteen.Months.Big.....I don't need the strollie thank you very much Mama, I can walk the whole zoo by myself....Big. So Big....

that Ren can now milk the fake cow at the zoo, BIG.

Ren is busy....waking way to early for this Mama and ready to go as soon as his feet hit the floor. He loves his cuppa-cup of mulk or wawa, apples, cheese, grapes, spaghetti, ham, saushage, eggs, toast, PB&J and ice....and what ever Mama is eating too. And he can feed himself too....a bit lands on the floor and a bit on his shirt and a bit in his mouth....he's getting the hang of the fork and spoon though...bit by bit.

Animal books are the tops for my PeaPie and the Giraffe seems to take the cake. and then lions, elephants, hippos, dogs, cats and...and........we have a Book of 100 Animals and he knows about 80 of them. Noah's Ark books are read and re-read...the animals are pointed out and Ren makes their noise...his cuter than cute version of their sound.

Ren is asking please...and help...and is learning my big family....my seven sisters and who goes with them. His I-een (Aunt Irene), DayDay (Uncle David), Emlee (Cousin Emily) and Dan-L (Cousin Daniel) are his family... He even knows how to yell for them when dinner is ready... I know my Ren will be sad when we move next week. And I know that I will be sad too....and I know that I have my work cut out for me to keep him busy and play with him like my wonderful niece and nephew do. Not to mention the time, love and attention my sister pays to him. Going from a busy house of 6 to a quieter one of 3 is going to be a big change. But I also know that settling into our life...our home...with our beloved DaDa is going to be wonderful and long awaited.

Big.....So Big.....and getting Bigger every day...these past eighteen months have flown by and my Lil PeaPie is now more closer to TWO than ONE.

Peace in Chaos

I LOVE carrying my lil PeaPie....I love wearing him. This photo was taken on Saturday. We were at my sister's house at a family reunion....ALL of my family was there....except my Man....I have 7 sisters and their men and our 16 kiddos plus my mom and dad....ALL of us and it was busy and loud and a lot was going on. So much that my PeaPie would not lay down for naps. I tried everything...nothing seemed to be working. So out came my Ergo and in Ren went. He drank a little milk, had a couple bites of snack and then I walked to a quieter corner of my sister's kitchen and swayed and rocked my lil Ren to sleep. I didn't want to walk out of the noise and happy chaos that was happening all around us...I didn't want him to wake if I walked from a quiet room to a loud one. ...He slept there against my heart for a hour or so....and I loved every moment of it. Ren is 17 months and a week now....and I don't get a chance to wear him very often or for very long...as he is always on the go....he's my busy busy bee....I am so grateful that I had my Ergo in the back of my car...that Ren was able to nap....and that I was able to quiet my heart and find peace in a happy chaotic day.

Do/Did you wear your babies...if so what is one of your favorite babywearing memories?

What a difference a year makes!

Oh my, how my heart fills and spills with love for this boy....my boy...my heart!



My Sweet PeaPie one year ago this past month...tasting his first foods and loving it....and then ONE year later enjoying Butternut Squash Puree with Parmesan Cheese over Pasta.



First time sitting in a highchair at a restaurant one year ago and here he is today....cleaning up a bowl of cheese sauce with some chips....not to mention licking the bowl clean!


Ren is a full 17 months and one day....whew he is almost 1 and 1/2...time she is flying and I am so very grateful that I am able to stay at home and watch Ren grow. He has an amazing vocabulary and is learning new words every day...Mama...Mama...Mama is by far my favorite....I always answer with Yes, Love? and sometimes he just grins and my heart it leaps and I can't help but to smile....and sometimes he asks for a snack or a book or his cuppa-cup. Ren loves Saushage and Eggs...he asks for them every morning and sometimes even gets the pans out...and when I ask him what he is doing he replies...Cook....What are you going to cook Ren? I ask....Saushage...Egg is his reply. And most days I just have to make him his saushage and egg...I mean how can I resist such a sweet request from my favorite boy?

We are reading lots and lots of books. Ren's favorite night time books are:
Going to Sleep on the Farm (he calls it How)
Goodnight Gorilla (GRilla)
Sometimes I like to Curl up in a Ball
On Noah's Ark (Ark)
Little By Little (the hardcover not the paperback...they are different)
Guess How Much I Love You
Where the Wild Things Are
The Going to Bed Book

Ren and I read through these books every night before he goes to sleep. We snuggle up on my bed....Ren settles into some soft pillows or lays on my belly or in the crook of my arm and we read...and read and sometimes read his favorite of the night several times. I love that he loves books....that he is already entranced by them.

I can only imagine what he will be like a year from now....I love this journey of being a Mama...of being his Mama...of loving Ren and watching him grow and learn and change!

What are/were some of your favorite night time books for your little ones?

Love and Marriage

I've been thinking about my love...my husband....my Man...and in that thinking comes the thinking of marriage and love and the wonder and beauty of this relationship (and not just mine...but many of the other wonderful marriage relationships that I am able to bear witness to). We have been married for 7 years, 7 months and 2 days my Man and I. And while our relationship has had its share of joys and sorrows...it has remained...a strong and sure place that we can turn to. Dealing with unknown infertility issues for 5 of those 7 years, moving to a distant and foreign country, grieving the loss of a failed adoption and enduring a number of separations have proven the strength and fortitude of our marriage. Choosing to only rely on each other and our relationships with God instead of turning to friends or family has been key for us. Because we married 6 weeks after we met in-person, the Man and I had a lot of learning about each other to do (which was a lot of fun and required a lot of grace on both ends) after we said I do.

The keen and wonder-ness and beauty about it all...that catches me in thought sometimes and gives me pause....is this;
This man that I married, that I pledged my life to...who I did not "know" (although I absolutely knew him) when I placed a ring on his finger and accepted one on mine...is my best friend, the one I want to lay in the dark next to and talk and dream and laugh and cry with and share my life...our life with all its ups and downs...this man that I did not even know he existed 7 years, 8 months and 10 days ago.
Isn't love and the choice of loving someone with your head as well as your heart grand?!
(This picture, the Man and I, Aug 2006, Mt. Nemrut, Turkey)

Time for change

Well.....it's time to change things up a bit. Not that I am no longer living in my own paradise but somehow that title just didn't seem to do it for me anymore. I AM however, living life by the handfuls....very generous handfuls. Sometimes those handfuls are a bit overwhelming and usually they keep me very busy....or as busy as I want to be. Mostly I want to be busy...SHHHH...it helps pass the time. And time...she is passing by...much too slow some days and others much to quickly! Can you believe that my lil PeaPie is 16 months old now? He is a walking and a talking and keeping me very busy....I live for naps and bath time.

This morning Ren wanted a bath in the middle of breakfast....so I put a lid on the cheesy scrambles and sausage and ran a bath so he could play. A nice cup of coffee for me (I am totally turning into a coffee drinker), some sweet tunes on Pandora and I got a bill paid and a facial! Whooohoooo....a great start to my Monday morning.

I've been working on a couple projects and will be posting pictures soon. I have some much stuff (in my head) that I would love to do...learn to do...become better at...and I have started working on some of it or have started organizing my thoughts so that I can work on them.

I hope you continue to visit me in this little space of mine. There are a bunch of you reading/following and I don't know you personally...I am so glad to see you....I would love to hear from you and get to know who you are....as well as answer any questions...or just hear from you what you would like to hear from me.

Thoughts

I have not written in so long
because
Sometimes it is easier to
not write
not speak of
my stress
my fears
my loneliness.

The Man is still gone

away

an ocean and more apart
and it hurts my heart
to have him so far from me.

We spoke today
on video chat (I am so grateful)
and he looked so sad
and stressed
and worn.

He needs me
to sit down and have a chat
while he rests in my arms.

I need him
to sit down and have a chat
while I rest in his arms.

I need to make him a meal
full of love and goodness
a meal that only I can cook.

Somehow cooking
helps heal my heart
and his eating of my love
heals his.

To say my heart it now
bears a heavier burden
would be truth.
But I cannot sit and tell
and pour it out...
If I could
I would
but I cannot.

My Life...Our Kid Names

Kelly at Kelly's Korner hosts Show us your life on Friday's and today's theme is your kids or (future kids) names.
When the Man and I met, we knew we wanted a family....when we married we wanted to wait for at least one year before we had little ones...you know so we would have time to get to know each other and settle in our marriage. Little did we know that it would take 6 years of trying after that 1st year of not trying to have our very own little one. Since we had all that time...we talked about names and we talked some more and we talked some more....and you think with all that talking we would have settled in on a name or two.
Well, when we found out we were in fact expecting a little miracle...the name talk started all over again. The Man is the 3rd and he wanted to name our son the 4th...and I did not really want to. Mainly because all the variations of the Man's first and middle names have been used in his family and they are very traditional names and I am not such a traditional name girl. So we talked and talked and went round and round....and decided to name our son the 4th....but call him something else. Which sparked a whole new conversation....I didn't want to just call our son any name and I wanted it to have meaning or significance to us...to our families. And Reynold is my paternal grandfathers name...we called him Granpa Ren...and I love him and miss him dearly. So, I asked the Man what he thought about Ren....and he liked it...and so Ren it is. Ren's legal name is the 4th and his given name is Ren.
If we have a little girl in the future...we had decided on a name but I keep changing my mind about the first name. Her middle name will be Noelle after my father (his name is Noel). We had decided on Alexandria for the first name and we would call her Alexa but I don't know. I LOVE Audrey....but the Man he's not so sure and if we were to have another little boy....well lots and lots of nights and days will be dedicated to play the name game all over again.

Embracing Rest

Putting Ren down for naps is a lesson in patience, persistence and grace. He fights going to sleep almost.every.single.time. As I am holding him, singing over him, willing him to lay his head on his Mama and sleep...he fights it. Bends and twists, asks for a cup, tries to climb over my shoulder and cries and cries. So, I keep singing, keep holding, keep willing him to lay his head and he eventually does. And when he does stop, he stops fighting all together...not even a whimper....and he relaxes his little body on mine and he closes his eyes and embraces the rest that I am offering him....and today as he laid in my arms, concentrating on keeping his little eyes closed....he smiled...and then smiled again.... and then slept. And my lil Mama heart leaped for joy! Joy that he is resting, that he is trusting...that he loves me and that I love him.

In this time of a hushed room, a time set aside so my little one can rest...God spoke to my heart. And He showed me a picture of myself and my relationship with Him. And this scripture ran through my mind again and again...“Come unto Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).

And there I am sitting in my Heavenly Father's lap....crying and squirming, trying to escape, asking for something different...anything to not rest. And my Father waits and persists and sings and holds and desires for me to find rest in Him. Because He loves me so...and because I love Him.

Isn't is amazing that HE...the Creator of the universe can love us so....can speak to our hearts? I am embracing rest...His rest...rest for my weary soul.

7 Quickies

1. Approx 147 days till the Man comes home.

2. Home is truly where your heart is...right now my heart is in Afghanistan as well as right here in SC. When the Man returns home (to me) my heart will be moved to Louisiana...yes it is official....at least I think it is.

3. Ren is now 13 months old....here are his words:
Mama
Dada or DA
Papa
Dan (his cousin)
Ellie (my pup Elliot..this was Ren's FIRST word at 9 months)
Emi (for Emily, another cousin)
Cup (for drink)
Madison ( I know right...for real!)
Snack
Cheese
Milk
Go-Go (for outside)
No
Yep
Light
Up
Down
yum
Abby (another cousin)
Dog
Ball
Block
When Ren woke the other morning I was going to put him in bed with me and nurse...he sat up and said No, Cup. No nursies for Ren that morning...he wanted a cup. He is putting words together and objects with what they belong to....Elliot's collar was on the floor, Ren picked it up and said "Ellie" holding it out to me. I'm sure there are more words...he is really picking stuff up fast...he said flower and seed the other day while outside playing in the grass.

4. If you are ever looking for an incredible cause to get involved in that is making an incredible difference in the lives of some wonderful, beautiful children...you should go here www.aidchild.org and get involved.

5. I finished the 1st of three quilts that I was inspired to make after seeing Dana's quilt give away back in '08. I followed her "How to make a quilt" tutorial. This first one is a baby floor quilt approx 52 x 31 inches.
It is a gift for a friend and her new baby girl...due in June!

6. This week, April 24th through May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week. I am posting my story tomorrow.

7. I've been thinking a bit on Micah 6:8
He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God?

Part of 7 Quick Takes

My Life....How The Man and I Met

Kelly over at Kelly's Korner hosts Show Us Your Life on Fridays. I so enjoy reading Kelly's blog, watching her little beautiful Harper grow, being encouraged through her writing and her walk with Christ are just a couple of reasons why I read her blog.....so if you have never checked her out...you should!

So, the theme for Show Us Your Life Friday is: How you met your husband.
The Man and I met online. We had both been married and then walked through divorces before we met. I had been single for about 5 years before I met him and he about 2. He sent me a message through the website (ChristianC@fe.com) we met on and we started talking through email. A couple weeks later he sent me his telephone number and after I had waited for a week and a couple days (you know a good time to make him wonder if I was going to call or not...ha) I called him. We talked and talked and talked some more. After many many phone conversations he asked what my plans were for New Years Eve...big one for a single girl...or at least this girl....I told him I had several options in the works and he asked if I would like to meet him for dinner. Now he lived in another state about 4 hours from my home.....I said I would think about it...and a couple days later told him yes and well the rest is history...We got engaged 3 weeks after we met in person and 3 weeks after that we had said our I Do's and were on our Loveymoon. Very fast...yes I know...and we have been on this adventure together, loving each other and living in our own little paradises all over the globe for 7 years now!

Meeting online can be a little crazy sometimes though...you never know if the person you are emailing, IMing, chatting on the phone with or texting is the person they say they are or they are lying....until you meet them in person. I had a plan and had several friends and family members that knew where I was and what our plans were as the night progressed. The thing that attracted me to my man is that everything that he wrote and said about himself were honest and true things. He did not present himself to me (online or otherwise) in a dishonest way. So, when we did meet in person and chatted that night and the next day away....he was true...everything he said about himself was true....and I double checked too....and it is still true....and I love him....I do...I do!

Ed and I at Ephesus April 2006

One of my favs of the two of us Christmas 2007

Weaning, Growing, and Dealing

So...we (the man, Ren and I) are about 1/2 way through his being gone. This is counting the training and deployment...so YaY! I was thinking the other day about how I deal with the man being gone for so long....and I came to the conclusion that I "just do". Not a very clear answer I know....I knew when we married that he would deploy and he has 4 times now...so this is not new to me. Although not living in my own home, staying with family and having Ren are all new things this go round. I am so grateful that my sister and her family were willing to open their home to Ren and I...and our two pups Elliot and Austin. We are a lot of extra to add to a busy home. I love that Ren gets to play with his cousins and spends time with his aunties and uncles. I know he will not remember our time here...but I will. So back to the deployment stuff....I know and accept the fact that the man is deployed and there is nothing I can do to change that...so I choose to enjoy myself, stay busy and not watch the news while he is away. I made the mistake of watching the news his first deployment....I was stressed all the time, didn't sleep well and worried over something I have no control over...so that is something that I do not do. I am working on the quilt (something I do have control over)....I have all my strips sewn in sets of six.....now the cutting down to block size and then the magic of piecing the blocks together.....I can't wait to see how it all turns out.

Ren is growing like a little weed. I can't believe that his is already ONE! We started weaning....Oh I stressed about this...I knew that I was finished ( I intended on nursing Ren to at least one year but no longer than 18 months)...that I did not want to nurse anymore about 2 weeks ago. So...I stopped all day time nursies....including the nap ones. That was not fun....Ren cried and cried at nap time....but then the other day it was like magic was in the air. I took him to the bedroom, told him it was nap time and started to lay him in his crib...he started crying and reached his hand out for my bed....so I laid him down on my bed and he settled down on his tummy with his lil hands tucked underneath him and started talking himself down to sleep. I patted his little back and sang him our night-night songs...in under TEN minutes he was asleep...no crying, no fussing, no nursies....and he slept for a little over one hour...which is pretty phenomenal for him. And then last night and tonight when I carried him into the room...all ready for bed....he settled on my shoulder, tucked his lil hands between him and I....no twisting his body for nursies, pinching me....or crying...I sang him our songs and prayed over him....and put him in his bed....Ren cried for 2 to 4 minutes and then asleep.....sweet baby....although not a baby anymore. I still nurse him in the morning when I put him in bed with me sometime after 5 am....but I have a feeling that he will not nurse at all for very much longer. Bittersweet....I am going to miss our time together.....we started nursing as soon as he was born....right after they wrapped him in his lil blanket. There is nothing I can compare this past year too....nothing I have ever done in my life comes close to the wonder-filled moments of being a Mama.

9 Days and Missing

To go....till my lil pea-pie is ONE!!!! I can't believe it....well I can....this year has sped by with lightning fastness and I have been enjoying every.single.moment. every.single.day....all of them. The early birthday party went off with out a hitch, we enjoyed a lovely week with the man and are now settling down for the long haul....the days, weeks and months till September arrives and the man returns to the ones he loves that love him.

The drive home after dropping him off at the airport was a bit teary.....Ren asked for Da a lot and I talked through teary eyes that Da had to go bye-bye and he loves us and would be home before we know it. So, I am adjusting, shifting...in my head mostly (does that even make sense?)....Always the nagging in the back that something could happen to the man....that the kisses I gave him at the airport as he shouldered an impossibly heavy bag...could be the last....and I know to shush the nagging to pay it no mind....my man will be fine...he will return home strong and full of missing us. So, I push it away and I don't think about it...
but I do leave his favorite boots at the doorway to our room....sure to see them when we enter and leave...a silent reminder of love and prayers....of missing the one we love.

Ramblings

Sooooo.....last Friday..my last post...I was all excited and pumped to blog again...to get my thoughts out and just take some time....and then...then I hit a slump...a wall...an I.would.rather.not.be.around.me.either. couple of days.....and well as you saw...or rather didn't see...I did not write. I am still feeling a little funky but thought that I would just get some stuff out of my head.

~My hard working man is coming for a 6 day visit! I am very excited to see him and spend some time together before he leaves for 6 months. I am hoping for a day to the mountains for a hike, a day at the zoo and maybe a trip to the beach...who knows though. We are going to celebrate Ren's birthday a bit early with a party while he is here...so..I have been pretty busy and some-what consumed with nailing down the final plans and figuring all the party stuff out. I decided to go with a pretty generic theme...just primary colors and balloons. I will post some pics of the decorations that I am creating and then of course some of the actual day itself.

~We thought we knew where we were moving to...but the plans have been canceled as far as we know and now where we live after September is all in the air again....not.much.fun to not know. But in military life nothing is official until it is official and then still it might not be official....so I hope we find out something sooner than later.

~My parents leave India today....and are headed for Europe until the end of March. I am glad they were safe while there and can't wait to give them hugs when they get here!

~I have not started training for the run...but as soon as this weather is not so cold/windy/rainy I am getting out there for sure. I did do some yoga stretches today..like two or three and one sun salutation...ha....I so need to start practicing again...I know it will be good for me for sure.

~I am working on a quilt for a friend...her first little one is due in June...It's a girl! Fingers crossed I can get this done in time for her shower the 1st of May.

~I took notice the other day when my niece told me I was on the computer a lot...and I knew that I was...it just took her saying something for me to see just how much. So I have made it a point to not play around/waste time on the computer during the day at all...If Ren is awake...then my laptop is closed. Which has turned out to be a really good thing. Not facebo0king quite so much...thank goodness that place is addictive and can be depressing sometimes too....I like it to keep in touch with family and cousins and long lost friends...but I don't need to post what I am doing....that I ate dinner...what I ate...who I saw...or didn't see...life was just fine before I ever signed on...it will be just fine if I check it once a week or so too. Funny facebo0king was taking up so much of my time...that and reading random blogs....my goodness what did we ever do before the world wide web...and I know...I know that is such a dated term...what is it called now?...Oh I know what we did...we spent time with each other....and we read books and had face to face conversations...don't get me rong though...I heart the www.

~Last but not least...here is a picture of my sweet boy..who is now 11 months and 1 day old...my.goodness.this.year.has.flown!
I love him...I love him...I love him...with my whole heart and then some!

7 Quick Ones

1. I recently joined an online encouragement and recipe exchange forum...I was able to post several recipes that I created and it was SO COOL that several of the girls have cooked and then posted a good review of my food!!!! YaY...makes me want to get in the kitchen and experiment some more.

2. Ren had a "Date Night" with me tonight and he was so well behaved. I brought Broccoli and Cheese soup from a deli for him and then took him to a Sushi place. He even ate a California Roll (minus the nori)...yum.yum.good.

3. My parents are doing missionary work in India (they have been gone since the first of Jan) and I can't wait to see them....I miss my Momma and Dad.

4. I am thinking of running...yes I said running...the annual Mud Run at Ft. Jackson this year. I have to get my butt in gear and start training! You can read about it here and yes I think I may be crazy!

5. Looks like we will see my Champ of a Man before he "hops the pond"...we are just waiting on dates. YaY!

6. If you ask Ren if he is hungry or if he wants to eat...he starts smacking his lips...it is so funny!

7. I am planning on trying to post a "new post" at least 3 times a week...if not once a day.....I hope I have enough stuff to blog about.

Conversion Diary if you've never read Jennifer's blog....you should check it out!

In the Overflow!

It's official! I bought my ticket today (my sister bought hers yesterday) we are headed to Atlanta on April 24th to see Beth Moore and say a final farewell to Insecurity! We bought the books this past week and I can't wait to start to read and learn and hear what God has for me and how he is a going to change me. Kelly over at Kelly's Korner has a list of fellow bloggers that will be there (and btw...if you have never stopped in to read her blog...you should...her Harper is the cutest thing and she is a wonderful Mama and Christian). I can't wait to see what God is going to do! I just wish I could take all my sisters and sister-friends with me...ya wanna go? There are still some tickets left...go here for more information and then let me know if you are going to be there!

New Post

I come to this space often and stare at the empty screen in front of me.....New Post....I know it is there...waiting inside of me, swirling, tumbling all day long and then keeping me up at night...thoughts....waiting for time, to sit and spill and type. And that time has been alluding me lately...I know I have the time...I've just been using it for something else. So, I am going to try and purposefully take the time to sit and spill more often.

We are 47 days into hubs deployment...we have (approx) 216 days to go...yikes! We were blessed to see him for 2.5 days this past weekend and when he prepared to leave...my heart...it swelled with tears...tears that I do not cry, he has to go.... anyway... and I don't like to cry...So I put on a brave face and kissed him and hugged him and held him tight and told him I love him and I will see him soon. Hopefully as soon as next month...right before he leaves the country. Some friends have said to me that they don't know how I do it....I kinda just shrug and smile....this is his job, it's what he does and so being with-out him becomes my job, it's what I do. While he is still just a time zone away it is a lot easier...to know that he is not in danger and that if I needed to reach him that he really is just a phone call away. So next month when that changes and he "hops the pond" my mind set will change...the way I approach my day will change...I know... I will feel a little more fragile but at the same time a lot stronger too....thankfully for now...he is just a phone call away.
So, I guess that is something that I am going to write about here...how I deal...among other things...
That and life with my sweet Babe....who is 42 days from completing his first year! I can hardly take that in. I knew that this time would fly by...of that I had no doubts or disillusionment...and time she did not betray me...she flew...but I relished...every moment as they came and then went. I have a journal for Ren...a for goodness real paper and leather journal so that I can pen his story for him....write of his days...how it all started and then how it goes...on and on and on...and I hope...please Nili fingers crossed.... that I can remember to keep it open with a pen in the pages...and write his words, his actions, his smiles, the ever changing color of his eyes, of his new little pearly teeth...those glorious shaky first steps and the first time he says love you....everything....and then one day when I am old...and there are a couple stacks of paper and leather...I can gift it to him. Daily I am overwhelmed...that I am A MAMA.....when I nurse him to sleep and after he is done nursing I sit in the darkened room holding his sweet growing sleeping self and I marvel and thank God and cry a bit of wonderfilled, happy, overwhelmed...my.God.I.love.this.boy. tears...I am so blessed to be his Mama...to watch him grow and smile and embrace and explore this wide world we live in. What a wonder this journey of life is.....I hope to share a bit more of it with you!

long time no see...

It's been so long...since Thanksgiving...I can hardly believe it...We have been busy busy here and there and everywhere...Ren, the pups and I are moved to SC and staying with my sister, hubs is in training and we are adjusting...adjusting...adjusting. Nothing like packing up everything you think you may possibly...just can't live with-out...need and driving across the country...makes for a long December and a frustrating start to the new year. But we are getting there...settled that is...at least I hope.

My 35th birthday just passed and while numbers are not a big deal to me...I always evaluate and reevaluate my life, my priorities, how I deal with people, friends, situations,family and myself on my birthday (self reflection is always a good thing...as long as it is constructive). My Dad sends me a card every year...he takes time and reads through cards at the store until he finds one that says "it" or comes close. This year when I opened that wonderful card and read the poem...not only did it bring tears to my eyes...I am so glad my Dad is proud of the woman and Mama that I am!...but it made me stop and think and reevaluate what is going on in my life...in my relationships and in my self-thought. And because I think this poem is good "food for thought" I thought I would share....
From the writing of Emily Matthews

If you can value truth above approval,
and friendship over beauty, wealth, or fame,
If you can share your gifts and talents wisely,
leaving someone better off than when you came...
If you find happiness in simple pleasures
and see the rainbow, not the falling rain,
If you have faith to keep right on believing
in miracles that no one can explain,
If you will look until you see the good in others
and keep your spirit honest, true, and free,
Then you'll be not just happy and successful,
but the woman only you were ment to be.

So my goal this 35th year of my life is to make a conscious effort to do those things and become a better woman, Mama, wife, sister, daughter, friend and become more of the woman that God created me to be.