Hope & A Crib

Ed and I started trying for a baby one year after we were married.  After trying for a year we met with a fertility specialist only to be diagnosed with unexplained infertility.  I was then put on a variety  of medications and shots and underwent a few very painful procedures. During this initial year of trying to conceive my sister sent me the crib and changing table that her children had outgrown.  I was grateful for the furniture and excited about the day that that small bed would be filled with my own children. Little did we know it would take us over five years to finally conceive. During that five year span we moved to three different duty stations (one being overseas) and the baby furniture moved with us. In each house it was stored in an extra room or large closet waiting the day that we would bring a little one home. The crib became a symbol of hope and heartache for me. Walking into the room where it was stored or opening the closet and seeing it, would bring me to my knees  somedays.  Going to a doctor after enduring shots, emotions caught up in a hormonal mess and the frustration of my own body "not working the way it should" and be told that the next appointment should be one of listening to a heartbeat and "everything is looking great you should be pregnant next time I see you"...to nothing...time and time and time again, is heartbreaking.

I still kept the crib though. I had a hope. I tied a knot on the string that I was clinging to and held on with all my might. I had dear friends who prayed with, cried with and hoped for me.  And then it happened. The two lines showed on the stick, we were having a baby...The joy of that hope fulfilled was indescribable. And now, three times over that crib has held my sleeping babies. Three different mobiles have hung over the bed, three different blankets and colors sets have adorned the sides of that crib.

This weekend I dismantled it, I cleaned the last set of crib sheets and wiped down the rails. As I was working on it I cried, I thought of the hope that felt so heavy and almost unbearable to me at times. I thought of my friends who answered my calls when I couldn't face the day on my own and invited me to sit on their couch and they mourned with and prayed with me.  I thought of my husband who stood beside me through the long years of infertility, he cried with me and hoped with me and was strength for me.  I thought of God's faithfulness and the hope that he had given me.  And while I know that we are done with babies for our family, I still mourn the ending of these chapters.

I packed the crib and changing table into my car on Saturday and dropped them off at a friends house.  A friend who adopted a baby girl...to give her a life full of hope and the promises of Christ.

Infertility is a part of my story. Moving an unused crib from duty station to duty station is a part of my story. I hope if you are experiencing infertility that you reach out to friends and hold tight to your hope string, let them comfort you when you mourn and let them pray with you.  I am certain that my story would have held more heartache if I had not opened myself and my hurts to trusted friends.

Weeds

This past Sunday afternoon was a perfect weather day.  The skies were just overcast enough and it was cool and inviting outside, all day.  I have been eyeing my backyard flower beds and staring down the weeds that just seem to grow faster than anything else.  I grabbed my gloves and headed outside to enjoy the day.  My Ren came outside after a while to see what he could help me with why I was not inside and then promptly went back inside to get me his Weeds book. "Here Mama, read this so you know what is a weed and what is not."

This kid never ceases to amaze me. I asked him to look through the book and find the names for some of the weeds we have.  He was walking around flipping through the book and matching the pictures to weeds.  Isn't that the way it is sometimes? We need someone else to point out the weeds in our lives. The character in our heart that needs to be refined. For me, mama-hood is just that; my weed identifier.  Here I am thinking that I am doing ok with my heart, my life, my character and then...up pops a weed: an attitude, anger, resentment, frustration, yelling...all the things and all the ways I do not want to be.  I have to sit and pray and ask the Lord to pull these things out of me and fill the space with the Holy Spirit. I wish it was just that easy.....one pull and done. But it's not, the roots are crazy deep and wind every which way. Sometimes we don't identify the weed and it is allowed to grow and spread it's seed.

The good thing is that God is faithful. He searches our hearts and he knows us (Psalm 139) and he loves us with an unfailing love (Zephaniah 3:17).  Even when we have weeds growing too fast in the garden of our life; he is there. I am forever learning to let God garden my heart. For him to search me and know my heart. To be more like Jesus in all that I do; that's my goal. 

Linking up with Stephanie and these Tuesday Talk Hosts...

Ren & Sam TKBTB V2

Month two of talking with my boys for The Kids Behind The Blog Series.  I love these posts.  My boys are seriously so funny and deadpan honest about what they say.  Sam always begins every answer with UH...and Ren stops to think for a bit before he gives me an answer.  I made sure to ask them separately so they wouldn't be tempted to answer the same.  This months questions are:

1. What is your favorite thing to do with your friends?
2. Who is your favorite person?
3. When playing outside, what does your ideal sunny day plans look like?
4. What do you like to do when it's raining? (Since April showers bring May flowers)
5. If you could plant a garden of anything, what would you plant?

Ren-newly 7 years old!

1. What is your favorite thing to do with your friends? I do a lot with my friends, so I don't really know...play video games, go exploring, jump on the trampoline. He does do a lot with his friends...playing outside and exploring is what he usually does if the weather is nice. We don't have video games at our house but he does play with friends.
2. Who is your favorite person? You....You're my Mama! Be still my Mama-heart!
3. When playing outside, what does your ideal sunny day plans look like? Playing on the slip-n-slide, spraying water at my friends and grill hot dogs and roast marshmallows. Ever the jokester...Ren really will spray down his friends. We bought a slip-n-slide last summer and I know I will have to buy one when the weather warms up for sure! 
4. What do you like to do when it's raining? (Since April showers bring May flowers) I like to go outside and play in the mud. Once I come inside and get clean I would watch movies or shows. This kids has been known to take mud baths and dirt baths...it was a Yes Day!
5. If you could plant a garden of anything, what would you plant? Lollypops and all kinds of candy and corn.  Thank goodness Lollypops and candy does not grow in a garden...I would be in all kinds of trouble!

Sam-four months shy of three

1. What is your favorite thing to do with your friends? UH....Build Train Tracks. The tracks this kids has going on...thank goodness we have a big basement playroom.
2. Who is your favorite person? UH...Mema! This is my Mama and I know she is going to love reading this! Hi Mama... We Love you!
3. When playing outside, what does your ideal sunny day plans look like? UH....I would swing, slide and have picnic pizza. Picnic Pizza at the Swing & Slide (Playdate coming soon)!
4. What do you like to do when it's raining? (Since April showers bring May flowers) UH..... Put on my jacket and rain boots and jump in the water. Pretty much, this.every.time.
5. If you could plant a garden of anything, what would you plant? UH.....Salad and broccoli and carrots and spicy peppers. Who is this old man? Sam's nickname is Pop...this so fits him and his love of all foods...except spicy peppers...he does not eat those.

Be sure to check out all the Kids Behind The Blog!

New Life; Sam's Birth Story

Sweetest Baby

My dear sweet Sam Bear is 6 months old today.  August 1st at 11:17 am he greeted us with his sweet self and my world will never be the same.  Oh Sam, you are such a sweet baby, so beautiful and I love you with my whole being.  I never knew how much love I could hold in my heart until I became a Mama and then I became a Mama again. Somedays I feel like my heart and soul just cannot contain how blessed I feel, how much love I have for my boys.

I love birth stories and shared Ren's story here. And although it has been 6 months (my goodness where  oh where does the time go) I wanted to sit down and write out Sam's story too.

We found out that we were pregnant right after Thanksgiving.  We had just visited a fertility specialist and when my cycle started I was scheduled to go in for blood work and all the other fun stuff that infertility brings.  I was a couple days late and had a couple testes here at home...I took one waited about 45 minutes and took the second one...just to make sure.  POSITIVE...YaY!!!  I was so excited and thankful to God for this miracle growing inside me.  Nine months later on his due date our little Sam Bear was born.

My labor was relatively quick and such a powerful experience.  I woke up around 2-2:30 in the morning with mild cramping and tried to sleep.  It was so hard for me to get my mind to rest but I knew my body needed it.  So I lay in bed, half sleeping, half praying, a little excited and a little scared of what the day might bring.  Around 5 am I got out of bed, checked my overnight bag (which had been packed for weeks) and showered.  Not sure what to do but not wanting to wake anyone, I sat down and began paying bills.  Ed was up by this time and wanted to get his morning run in and try to make it to work to submit leave paperwork.  I told him to go ahead and I would call if I needed him home sooner.  My Mama (who is a Doula) and my sister Irene were visiting...waiting for Sam to make his entrance.  My Mama talked me through some breathing exercises and Irene timed the contractions.  About 9 am after holding on to the back of the couch and dropping almost to the floor during contractions we decided it was time to head to the hospital.  Ed returned home as quick as he could and my Mama helped us get everything in the car and ready to go.  Sitting in a jostling vehicle and breathing through contractions a lot harder than standing and partial squatting through contractions.  When we arrived at the hospital I forgot that we had to check in through the ER...so after going upstairs looking around...seeing that no one was coming to my aid we got back in the elevator and checked in through the ER.  It was around 9:30 when we were fully checked into a L&D room.  I was checked and was so disappointed only 4 cm.  I just thought...great...only 4..I have so far to go.  My Mama encouraged me to do what my body was telling me to and the nurse agreed that I did not have to labor on the bed unless there was a medical reason to.  So I knelt beside the bed, knees on a pillow on the floor, the top half of my body laying over the end of the bed, palms open, breathing deep and long.  I remember bearing down, praying, moaning,  feeling an immense peace and also thinking that I was crazy for wanting to go drug free again.   When my OB came in, around 11am, to see how I was I could see he was a little taken back that I was not in the bed but on the floor beside it.  He asked if I wanted my waters broken, said that it would speed up delivery.  I asked won't that make it hurt more...He said, Yes...but a 1/2 dozen of one, 1/2 dozen of the other.  After another contraction or two I looked up at Ed and decided Yes...Yes break the water...but I didn't want to get in that bed.

First Snuggles

Get back in the bed I did, I was 8cm when checked.  He broke the waters and said he would be back soon....Ed told him not to go very far that Sam would be here quick.  And quick he was...6 minutes and a couple pushes later my Sam Bear was born.  Wednesday, August 1, 11:17 am, 8 lbs 3 oz and 19.5 inches long.  He was a bit blue...cord wrapped a couple times...so he was turned over to the baby nurse for oxygen and a good rub down. As soon as he was able they laid him on my chest and there I was falling in love all over again.

My little Sam Bear

It is such an awe-ing experience to carry life and then bear it into the world.  I look at Sam (and Ren) now and wonder of the miracle and God-magic that we beings are.  Created from such miniscule beginnings inside of me....and here they are larger then life, perfect and whole.

Life and Love

Some days of this Mama-hood are long and weary.  So much said over and over, discipline for the same things over and over.  The repetitive-ness, time outs, tear stained cheeks, shushing, running to catch, "let-me-outs", all again and again and again since we made the beds.  And then, then I am reminded, ever so gently and brought to tears....so thankful, so overwhelmed, of these handsful.... of this life we have.

This work that I have.  To mold and shape my boy so that one day he will be a good man, a man that loves well and lives well.  Striving to be a godly example to him and falling short....daily.  Showing him that my Abba-Father is working on me...still.  I have to ask for forgiveness too, for being short-tempered, not loving, not patient, not kind, not gentle.


His sweet little body curling up to mine.  "Mama, lay with me for naps", "you want to hold me?", sharp elbows, warm blond head, sweet voice....climbing up on me, hugs and kisses all is well and forgotten. Time to play, create, explore, learn, listen and take this life that we live in.

Mama-hood is hard work, weary work, glorious work, heart-full work.

We are blessed, with handsful of life and handsful of love.

Mama

‎....The most important thing she'd learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one. -- Jill Churchill

I came across this quote again today...I saw it first Aug 30, 2009...my sweet PeaPie was 5 months old and I was brand new Mama..still sitting, spending hours in my red chair, nursing my sweet babe and dreaming about the years of wonderful Mama-hood ahead of me. I did not then and do not now, think that there is any Mama who is a perfect Mama....but I do know that there are a lot of good ones out there. Many who am a blessed to call my sisters and my sister-friends. Mama's that I can look up to, the ones that I no longer live near, but I watched them with their little loves and how they Mama-ed them and I took note. And now that I am in the trenches of two and almost a half with my little PeaPie, I remember their words, their actions, their tone of voice, their conversations and their Mama-love. No days are picture perfect, but there are hours sometimes it seems that the world is just right and I see the sunshine and smell the roses....and when those hours tick-tock down and the day seems long I remember. I dig deep and calm myself, take patience off that shelf of virtues and breathe for just a moment.

These days...the long, drawn out, why isn't this kid sleeping....doesn't.he.know.that.it.is.nap.time.and.we.played.for.hours.outside.just.so.he.would.nap

These days, they are the best days and I want to live in the moment of them and enjoy them and suck the life breath from each passing minute. I want to Mama to the best....to my best...I want to be a good Mama.

Mama Loves

Mama Loves...

a sleepy snuggly Lil' PeaPie

all the colors of the rainbow in my dishwasher

"i'm making music, Mama!"

pan-popped popcorn afternoons

coffee tables full of puzzles and color pages

coffee

nap-time

impromptu "i love you's"

followed by

kisses and hugs

play-dates

and

"where are we going today?"

the stack of library books that scream...

read me! read me!

every time we pass them

Lil' PeaPie's grin and laughter

laughter that

warms my soul

"my Deda is home...that's MY Deda!"

giggles and pitter patter of little feet running

round and round

hearing ears (even if I have to have a little help)

new menu ideas

old tried and true favorites

the local farmer's market

creating and serving a dish of love

coffee

a Deda that loves to grill

making new friends

keeping up the the ones that are made of gold

5 minute nakey-time

my own personal streaker

his blue/brown/green eyes

Turkish carpets

gifted iPad and it's fabulous cover

my "lil' old man" Elliot

our "he's outa control" Austin

rain and the smell of rain

eyes that can see

handmade quilts

sewing strips and creating beauty

quilt and pillow forts

flashlights

beauty

imperfection

my size 12's

seeing what I have not seen before

seeing through a 2 year old's eyes/heart

"can Mama hold you?" arms up

and these hands

handsful of life...

Righting My World

Hello...Thanks for calling...you have reached cranky, crying...oh.my.goodness.is.that.baby.throw-ing.a.fit Ren Inc. today....how may I help you?
Goodness this baby of mine...so cranky...in his defense...it's the lil pearly whites making their debut but still....and crying...crying but not for real...cause he can't have his way...oh my! I was hoping this fit throwing might hold off for a couple more months a least but no....
Last night at dinner he wanted to hold the spoon...and put his hand out every-time to grab it....which all-in-all is not that big of a deal but it was dinner time and this Mama needs her boy to lean that dinner time is for eating and not playing. So I told Ren no and then tried to keep feeding him. 30 (or so give or take a few) No's later...Ren is crying...but not real tears...just peeking out at Mama every-now-and-then to see if I am paying attention and then when he sees me looking at him he smiles and goes for the spoon...Ha...sneaky lil guy. So, I let him "cry" and just sat there waiting for him to finish. Then when he was done I gave him a couple bites of food and then went and got a little wooden spoon for him to hold while he finished eating...and finish eating dinner he did. I just have to keep telling myself that my will is greater than his!

And in the middle of all the fits and non tear inducing crying and I am frustrated...Ren gives me a lil ole grin....and my world it is righted again...
the end.

Wonderment

Today my heart
it spilled
wet tears of joy
down my cheeks.

I can't believe that I have a son!
One of my very own to love and nurture,
to watch him grow and
guide him as he discovers the world.

I am so blessed and filled
with the wonder of being
his Mama.

today

Some days just rush by
and others
they are slow
and sometimes there is
loveliness in those slow days
not a dragging by
but time spent sitting
with a sweet babe on my lap
he is sleepy and wants to nurse
all
day
long
and instead of rushing
around
trying to accomplish
this or that
that or this
i get to sit
and marvel
at these slow days
at the wonder of being
being a mama
the beauty of my babe
and
slowly
enjoy
the day.